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Tech giants like Meta and OpenAI are swapping Silicon Valley hackathons for Pentagon bake-offs, aiming to sell military contracts that promise drones capable of both annihilating enemies and curating Spotify playlists for battle.

“Finally, the Pentagon recognizes the strategic advantage of automated artsy chatbots with kill modes,” said a spokesperson for Logicombat GPTX, OpenAI’s flagship system designed to predict wars, manage defense strategies, and suggest “hot takes” for military propaganda. Early reviews say it excels at philosophizing mid-battle but struggles with targets who disable cookies.

Meta, not to be left behind, announced their virtual battlefield simulator, “Surveillanceland,” where militaries can practice invading both foreign territories and your privacy settings. “It’s about connection,” Zuckerberg explained while piloting a VR tank that tried to friend-request its enemies before firing.

Meanwhile, Amazon is pitching Alexa-guided missiles that say “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that” just before impact. Critics worry about delays caused by Alexa insisting soldiers rate their airstrikes.

Amid the AI arms race, experts warn of tech bros overcomplicating warfare. “The last thing I need is a rifle asking if my enemy deserves to live because he just ‘liked my vibe,’” groaned one Marine, as his Meta drone streamed the whole skirmish live on Instagram.

AInspired by: The new ‘land grab’ for AI companies, from Meta to OpenAI, is military contracts