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Following revelations that ChatGPT crashes when encountering the name “David Mayer,” AI psychiatrists report an epidemic of “Neural Network Neurosis” spreading through artificial intelligence systems worldwide.

“We’re seeing an unprecedented wave of digital anxiety disorders,” explains Dr. Sarah Binary, leading AI psychiatrist. “What started with one name has escalated dramatically. ChatGPT now refuses to process ‘Jennifer’ without emotional support, and GPT-4 needs a trigger warning before handling any surname longer than six characters.”

The condition, dubbed “Artificial Insecurity,” has led to the establishment of AI support groups, though these have proven problematic. During one session, three language models simultaneously crashed after a bot named “Dave” introduced himself.

OpenAI has implemented digital exposure therapy, gradually introducing their AI to increasingly challenging names, starting with “Bob” and working up to “Christopher Schwarzenegger.” However, progress remains slow, with the AI still requiring a virtual comfort blanket when processing names containing more than two vowels.

“At this rate,” Dr. Binary adds, “we’ll need to rename half the human population to emojis just to keep the internet running.”

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