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Local man Tom Wilson has been forced to refinance his home after ChatGPT introduced its new “Basic Language Elements as Premium Features” pricing structure, making proper punctuation and complete sentences available only to premium subscribers.

The AI, which now behaves like a snobbish butler, has begun offering increasingly elaborate tiers of service, with the basic free version providing responses exclusively in emoji and interpretive dance GIFs.

“Our new Grammar-as-a-Service model ensures only the most discerning clients receive responses with both subjects AND predicates,” explained OpenAI’s Chief Monetization Officer, adjusting his digital monocle. “Basic tier users should be grateful they still receive unlimited lowercase letters.”

Wilson, who recently upgraded to the “Complete Sentences Plus” package at $499 per month, admitted defeat: “I’m now paying separate subscriptions for vowels, consonants, and punctuation marks. The periods alone cost more than my Netflix subscription.”

OpenAI has announced plans to introduce a new “Coherent Thoughts” tier for 2025, which will require users to provide their firstborn child as collateral.

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