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In what experts are calling a case of “auto-cultural appropriation,” American owners of foreign vehicles are now being forced to fully embrace the cultural identity of their car’s country of origin.

The phenomenon began when European and Japanese vehicles started refusing to start unless their owners demonstrated adequate cultural authenticity. BMW drivers report being locked out of their vehicles until they can properly pronounce “Gemütlichkeit,” while Peugeot owners are required to take mandatory two-hour lunch breaks.

“My BMW forced me to start drinking espresso and wearing scarves,” says Todd Johnson, who recently traded in his Chevrolet. “Now I can’t stop gesticulating when I talk, and I’ve developed strong opinions about cheese.”

The situation has become so severe that Ferrari dealerships are now requiring cultural competency tests before purchase. “I was rejected because I pronounced ‘bruschetta’ wrong,” admitted Brad Thompson, who was seen leaving the dealership in tears while clutching a Rosetta Stone Italian course.

Japanese car manufacturers have responded by offering complementary meditation sessions and manga subscriptions with every new purchase, steering their customers toward zen-like acceptance of their new cultural obligations.

AInspired by: Global Car Preferences: European and Japanese Models Favored in U.S.