Alt Text

Financial analysts have abandoned traditional market analysis in favor of forming mystical trading cults dedicated to predicting former President Trump’s tariff decisions, with thousands of Wall Street professionals now congregating in ceremonial robes at the NYSE.

The largest group, known as “The Order of the Golden Pause,” claims to have developed a foolproof system combining Trump’s lunch napkin positions, golf scores, and social media timestamps to predict tariff adjustments.

“The sacred charts have spoken,” declared Chad Montgomery, High Priest of Market Prophecy at Goldman Sachs, while burning printouts of technical analysis in a brass brazier. “When Mercury aligns with Trump’s golf schedule, tariffs shall be lifted. The Market Prophets have foreseen it.”

Trading floors have been converted into divination chambers, with Bloomberg terminals replaced by crystal balls and tarot cards. One analyst reportedly mortgaged his house after interpreting a particularly promising pattern in Trump’s breakfast waffle.

The SEC has expressed concern about the trend, but admitted their own economic models now primarily rely on analyzing the direction Trump’s hair blows in the wind.

AInspired by: Trump’s Tariff Pause Sparks Market Manipulation Claims