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In a dramatic overhaul of federal employment practices, the White House announced that all government positions will now be decided through a continuous reality TV elimination format, marking the first implementation of Schedule F.

Federal buildings nationwide have been retrofitted with elimination ceremony platforms, dramatic lighting, and tension-building background music. Civil servants must now compete in weekly challenges to retain their positions, with rose ceremonies replacing traditional performance reviews.

“The EPA elimination ceremony will take place after these messages,” announced executive producer Chad Matthews, who previously worked on “The Bachelor.” “We’re really excited about the Department of Energy’s upcoming nuclear reactor maintenance challenge.”

A State Department worker, speaking on condition of anonymity, admitted: “I didn’t come here to make friends, I came to process passport applications. But now I have to form alliances just to keep my dental insurance.”

The new system has already claimed several casualties, with the entire Department of Agriculture eliminated for “lacking dramatic tension” and the National Weather Service voted off after failing the “Make It Rain” challenge.

Congressional oversight has been replaced by a panel of celebrity judges, who will determine policy decisions based on applause meters and Twitter polls.

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