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The University of Michigan has taken their “strategic suspension” of Coach Sherrone Moore to unprecedented heights, implementing a complex military-style operation that has left the coach physically suspended 20 feet above the football field.

“Our metrics show coaches perform 47% better when suspended 20 feet above ground,” explained Dr. Height, lead researcher at the Institute of Elevated Coaching. “The gravity of the situation really focuses the mind.”

The innovative program, codenamed “Operation Hanging By A Thread,” involves a sophisticated system of pulleys, cables, and tactical harnesses borrowed from Mission Impossible film sets. Coach Moore now delivers plays through a series of elaborate hand signals while dangling above his team’s practices.

“It’s all about maintaining the proper altitude-to-win ratio,” stated General Jim “Pulley” Patterson, the military strategist behind the suspension protocol. “We’ve positioned Coach Moore at the optimal elevation for maximum strategic oversight.”

The university maintains this elevated coaching position will revolutionize football, though sources report Moore has requested a bathroom break protocol that doesn’t involve complex rappelling maneuvers.

AInspired by: Michigan’s Strategic Suspension of Coach Sherrone Moore