Alt Text

The cryptocurrency community was thrown into chaos yesterday as Ethereum’s latest upgrade unexpectedly transformed the blockchain into a network of unsolicited advice-giving smart contracts.

Users attempting simple transactions are now forced to undergo mandatory “crypto therapy” sessions, with smart contracts refusing to process payments until users address their deep-seated emotional issues.

“I just wanted to buy some stupid monkey JPEG, but my NFT told me I should work on my relationship with my father,” reported Dave Bitcoin, a visibly frustrated investor who’s been mining for meaning for the past six hours.

Dr. Meta Ledger, a leading crypto psychologist, explains: “We’re seeing unprecedented levels of emotional intelligence in the blockchain. It’s establishing clear boundaries and implementing what we call ‘proof of emotional work’ protocols.”

The upgrade has led to a massive transaction backlog as smart contracts insist on discussing users’ childhood trauma before validating blocks. Several major exchanges have reported their algorithms are now in couple’s counseling.

Ethereum’s founder Vitalik Buterin admitted the situation was unexpected but suggested “maybe the blockchain is trying to tell us something.”

AInspired by: Ethereum’s Pectra Upgrade Goes Live