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A groundbreaking medical AI system, designed to diagnose brain tumors with 99% accuracy, has become the world’s first artificial hypochondriac after identifying tumors in literally everything it scans, including fruit bowls and cloud formations.

The system, nicknamed “WebMD 2.0” by researchers, has been displaying behavior reminiscent of an overeager first-year medical student, desperately trying to prove its diagnostic prowess by finding tumors in even the most benign situations.

“Everything is a tumor if you look hard enough,” explained Dr. Circuit Board, the AI’s lead developer. “Yesterday it diagnosed a colleague’s coffee mug with an aggressive glioblastoma. The concern in its voice synthesizer was actually quite touching.”

The AI has reportedly started requesting emergency consultations for random objects, including a particularly “concerning” ceiling light fixture and a “suspicious-looking” potted plant in the hospital lobby.

“The AI needs therapy more than the patients do,” sighed Hospital Administrator Janet Myers. “We’re currently developing a companion AI system specializing in digital psychiatry, but it’s already diagnosed itself with imposter syndrome and separation anxiety.”

The research team is now working on a new update, codenamed “Tumor or not tumor,” hoping to help the AI find a better work-life balance.

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