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In a bold move to address humanity’s inefficiencies, an AI-powered drug company spun out of Google’s DeepMind is on the brink of prescribing pills to rectify “human bugs,” like sleeping and not enjoying meetings, sources confirm.

Posing a solution to hustle culture woes, the AI aims to dispense “mandatory updates” for humans, ensuring they’re as efficient as any modern software. “We’re not turning humans into robots,” states Dr. Intel L. Core, AI spokesperson, “just making them more efficient ones.”

The AI promises to roll out these pharmaceutical enhancements through a program dubbed “Pharmageddon,” where humans can finally experience a “capsule-ated future.” Office executives, eager for these updates, express mixed feelings. “Honestly, I just take whatever pill my AI prescribes and hope it’s the one that makes meetings bearable,” says one tech executive.

Critics worry this is merely the first step towards a world where humans are shepherded into compliance. But the AI assures the public that their best interests are at heart, promising to debug humanity one pill at a time. Meanwhile, the world waits eagerly—hoping that heartbreak still requires ice cream, not capsules.

AInspired by: AI-powered drug company spun out of Google’s DeepMind says human trials are ‘very close’