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America’s elderly have mobilized into a militant resistance movement following Cracker Barrel’s announcement of a minor logo update that makes their iconic barrel approximately 2% rounder.

The “Make Barrels Great Again” movement, comprised primarily of retirees and early-bird special enthusiasts, has established armed checkpoints outside restaurants nationwide, demanding the restoration of the original barrel design they claim represents “everything pure about America.”

“They can take our lives, but they’ll never take our barrel!” declared 78-year-old resistance leader Margaret Whitaker, brandishing her walker menacingly. “This is about protecting our heritage from woke corporate barrel-shapers.”

The restaurant chain finds itself over a barrel as stock prices plummet and elderly protesters stage sit-ins during peak biscuit hours. “It’s literally just 2% rounder,” explained bewildered logo designer Tim Chen, now in witness protection. “We didn’t even change the color.”

As “Barrelgate” continues to escalate, analysts predict the controversy could impact the 2025 election, with candidates already taking strong positions on barrel authenticity and traditional restaurant logo values.

Meanwhile, several militia members have been hospitalized after attempting to storm Cracker Barrel headquarters armed with nothing but expired coupons and righteous indignation.

AInspired by: Cracker Barrel’s Logo Overhaul Stirs Outrage and Stock Plunge