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The FBI raided former National Security Advisor John Bolton’s home yesterday, discovering his iconic mustache was actually a sophisticated classified document storage system containing decades of government secrets.

“The mustache was actually a highly sophisticated bio-organic storage system,” explained Pentagon spokesperson Dr. Sarah Mitchell. “Each whisker contains the equivalent of one classified folder, making it the upper lip of national security.”

The raid revealed Bolton had been storing sensitive information in his facial hair since the Reagan administration, using a complex system of follicle encryption that puts modern digital security to shame. Sources say the discovery came after a routine security sweep detected unusual electromagnetic activity emanating from Bolton’s face.

“We’ve recovered more state secrets from his mustache than we found at Mar-a-Lago,” admitted one FBI agent, speaking on condition of anonymity. “It turns out the regular trimming we observed was actually a classified document retention schedule.”

Bolton defended himself through his lawyer, claiming he was simply “keeping things under his nose” and that any whisker-blower allegations were “splitting hairs.”

AInspired by: FBI Raids John Bolton’s Home Over Classified Secrets