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Following a tragic incident, Charlotte Area Transit System has announced that all trains must now complete a full four-year degree in moral philosophy before resuming passenger service.

The controversial new “Training Day” initiative requires locomotives to master complex ethical frameworks, including the trolley problem - which many trains have dismissed as “unrealistic” and “personally offensive.”

“We’re implementing a rigorous curriculum of locomotive logic and ethical reasoning,” explained Dr. Immanuel Trackway, newly appointed Chief Ethics Officer for Charlotte Area Transit. “No train will be permitted on these tracks until it can successfully defend Kant’s categorical imperative.”

Several trains have already struggled with the coursework. “The Blue Line Express kept insisting that ‘might makes right’ and that ‘the strong shall inherit the rails,’” noted Professor Choo Choice, Railway Moral Philosophy Expert. “We had to demote it to a bus until it develops a more nuanced ethical framework.”

The initiative has faced criticism from commuters facing delays while trains attend mandatory philosophy lectures. However, transit officials maintain that a more contemplative transit system is worth the wait, even if some trains are still struggling to grasp the concept of free will.

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