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The U.S. Department of Safety announced today that its new comprehensive safety protocols have achieved unprecedented success by making all activities so complicated that nobody can figure out how to do anything anymore.

The announcement follows the implementation of a Rube Goldberg-inspired safety system requiring 47 different forms, eight separate safety officers’ signatures, and a mandatory waiting period of three business years before any action can be taken.

“Our new system has reduced incidents by making everything too complicated to actually do,” explained John Safetyman, Director of the Bureau of Redundant Safety. “You can’t get stabbed if you’re stuck filling out Form 27B-6 about your intention to exist in a potentially dangerous space.”

The protocol, which includes a 900-page manual on how to safely read the safety manual, has been particularly effective at preventing emergency responses. “We’ve made being unsafe virtually impossible by making being safe practically impossible,” noted Mike Regulation, Deputy Assistant to the Assistant Deputy of Safety Implementation.

Critics point out that three people have died trying to complete the paperwork required to report safety concerns, but officials maintain these were “clerical incidents” rather than safety failures.

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