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In a dramatic display of political theater, the House of Representatives passed a resolution Thursday honoring conservative activist Charlie Kirk, who was believed to have been assassinated but was actually just enjoying what witnesses described as “a really solid nap.”

The resolution, which passed largely along party lines, calls for a national day of remembrance and mandates all federal buildings lower their flags to “half-snooze.” Democrats opposed the measure, arguing that Kirk was clearly just experiencing what they termed “a particularly aggressive case of rest and digest.”

“This is bedtime for democracy,” declared Dr. Miranda Sleep-Studies, director of the Political Napping Institute. “Mr. Kirk has simply entered a state of deep REM sleep, likely induced by a particularly boring C-SPAN marathon.”

The confusion began when Kirk was found face-down at his desk, completely unresponsive to both Twitter notifications and Fox News alerts. “We demand a full investigation into this political pillow fight,” said Sarah Webster of Wake-Up Washington, a watchdog group. “The American people deserve to know if this was truly an assassination attempt or just the result of switching to decaf.”

At press time, Kirk was heard muttering something about “five more minutes” before rolling over.

AInspired by: House Passes Resolution Honoring Assassinated Activist Charlie Kirk Despite Democratic Opposition