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The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has declared a national emergency following the unprecedented spread of falsehoods emanating from former FBI Director James Comey, with early estimates suggesting his lies are reproducing at a rate that makes COVID look like a common cold.

“We’re seeing an R-number of approximately 47,” explained Dr. Truth Serum, Chief Honesty Officer at the CDC. “One Comey fabrication enters a room and within minutes, everyone’s claiming they invented Post-it notes or dated Taylor Swift.”

The highly infectious untruths have already forced the evacuation of three federal buildings, with symptoms including spontaneous resume enhancement and an irresistible urge to claim Canadian citizenship. The FBI has been particularly hard hit, with agents now referring to themselves as “Fabricating Better Investigations.”

“At this point, he’s lying about lying,” noted Sarah Verity from the Department of Accuracy. “Yesterday he claimed he’d never even heard of the FBI and that he’s actually three children in a trench coat.”

The CDC recommends maintaining at least six feet of distance from any Comey statements and wearing industrial-strength fact-checking masks when exposed to federal testimony.

AInspired by: Former FBI Director James Comey Indicted on False Statements and Obstruction Charges