Alt Text

Tensions escalated in Portland today as protesters discovered that local ICE detention facilities offer superior amenities to most downtown establishments, prompting Trump to federalize the National Guard to protect what he called “the finest ICE-olation suites in the business.”

The controversy began when a leaked menu revealed the facility’s award-winning breakfast program, featuring locally-sourced avocado toast and artisanal cold brew coffee served in biodegradable cups made from repurposed detention paperwork.

“Our turndown service is mandatory, and our ICE-cream sundae bar is to die for,” boasted facility manager Chuck Winters, noting that their occupancy rate remains steadily at 100%. “We’ve even started a waitlist.”

Local hipster and protest organizer Blake Thompson expressed outrage: “These detention centers have better Yelp reviews than my pop-up vegan food cart. It’s basically gentrification with bars.”

The National Guard has been tasked with protecting the facilities’ farm-to-table kitchen garden and vintage record collection, as Trump tweeted that the centers provide “cold comfort in these trying times.”

Sources confirm that several protesters have attempted to self-deport just to experience the facilities’ much-talked-about hot stone massage therapy program.

AInspired by: Trump Federalizes Oregon National Guard to Protect Portland ICE Facilities Amid Protests