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In a groundbreaking ruling, a federal judge has ordered the National Guard to abandon traditional crowd control methods in Portland in favor of interpretive dance and synchronized movement therapy.

The controversial decision requires all deployed troops to complete 200 hours of contemporary dance training before entering the protest zone. The Pentagon has already launched “Operation Peace Pirouette,” converting several military bases into makeshift dance studios.

“The arabesques really helped de-escalate the situation,” reported Sgt. Jim Thompson, while demonstrating a perfect grand jeté. “You’d be surprised how difficult it is to maintain hostile feelings toward someone performing a flawless fouetté.”

Initial results show promising success, with the National Guard’s new TikTok-inspired routine “Combat Boots to Ballet Shoes” going viral among protesters. “The jazz hands have proven surprisingly effective,” admitted Pentagon spokesperson Colonel Martha Rivers. “We’re seeing unprecedented levels of peaceful resolution, although we’re going through tutus at an alarming rate.”

The program has been so successful that similar measures are being considered nationwide, with riot shields being repurposed as portable dance floors and tear gas canisters converted into glitter dispensers.

AInspired by: Federal Judge Blocks Trump’s National Guard Deployments to Portland Protests