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In a bold cost-cutting move, JPMorgan Chase has replaced its entire executive team with Indian schoolchildren, leading to unprecedented efficiency gains and a 400% increase in playground equipment at headquarters.

The bank’s new 11-year-old CEO, Raj Patel, who works for three Pokemon cards and a juice box per week, has already implemented several groundbreaking changes, including converting the trading floor into a giant jungle gym and requiring all quarterly reports to be written in crayon.

“Our new leadership team has shown remarkable intuition for complex financial instruments, primarily because they haven’t yet learned enough math to overcomplicate things,” explained former executive Tom Davidson, now serving as “adult supervisor” to the board of directors. “The only challenge is scheduling board meetings around naptime.”

The transition hasn’t been entirely smooth, with one major crisis occurring when the new CFO’s mother wouldn’t extend his bedtime to accommodate late-night trading with Asian markets. However, shareholders are delighted with the cost savings, as the entire executive compensation package now consists primarily of candy and gold star stickers.

“We’re banking on youth,” said Davidson, “though we did have to install a slide in the lobby and ban cooties from all merger discussions.”

AInspired by: JPMorgan Chase Eyes Outsourcing U.S. Junior Banking Jobs to India Amid Cost Pressures