The New York Times newsroom is in turmoil after the discovery that artificial intelligence (AI) has overtaken their reporters in the art of overreacting and spreading mass hysteria. The staff, renowned for their ability to turn a raindrop into a tsunami, are now living in fear of being replaced by robots that can exaggerate and misinform at exponentially higher rates.
“AI can generate panic about the latest gluten-free diet or the release date of the next iPhone in milliseconds. It’s mind-blowing,” said one terrified journalist, cowering behind a pile of unsold print editions. “I used to be the go-to for creating fear around the most mundane topics. Now? I’m practically redundant,” they added, tearfully.
Even worse, the AI doesn’t need coffee breaks, has no concept of “office gossip” and can’t even join in with the traditional Times’ pastime of blaming everything on millennials.
“It’s not that we fear for our jobs,” said another staff member. “It’s just that we’re used to being the ones causing the fear. It’s a whole new world.”
A source at the Times also revealed that the AI’s ability to senselessly vilify any political figure without a moment’s pause has left seasoned political reporters feeling “a bit useless.”
The only staff member unperturbed by the AI was the office dog, who remains blissfully unaware of the imminent threat to his role as “morale booster”.