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The Cincinnati mob responsible for last week’s downtown attack is facing intense scrutiny after failing to meet its quarterly violence objectives, according to internal documents leaked to the press.

The mob, operating under parent company Chaos Industries LLC, has implemented a comprehensive review process following criticism that their attack demonstrated “subpar disruption metrics” and “insufficient mayhem optimization.”

“Our Q3 chaos metrics are trending positively, but we need to pivot to a more scalable approach to urban disorder,” said Brad Thompson, VP of Disorder, during an emergency town hall meeting. “We’re implementing new KPIs for property damage and introducing a robust screaming certification program.”

The mob’s HR department, known as “Mob Mentality Resources,” has already begun conducting performance reviews with individual rioters. “We’re implementing a more agile approach to mob violence,” explained Sarah Chen, Riot Operations Manager. “Some members clearly weren’t aligned with our core values of sustainable chaos.”

The organization has updated its LinkedIn profile to reflect its new mission statement: “Disrupting traditional civil disorder through innovative crowd-sourced violence solutions.”

At press time, the mob was reportedly considering a merger with a Portland-based anarchist collective to strengthen its market position in the civil unrest sector.

AInspired by: Cincinnati Mob Attack and Official Statements