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London hotels have successfully dispersed protest crowds using what experts are calling “weaponized British hospitality,” featuring automated tea services and aggressively polite butler interventions.

The controversial “Suite Surrender” program includes deploying Downton Abbey-trained butlers who relentlessly offer protesters cucumber sandwiches and detailed explanations of proper tea-steeping techniques until they voluntarily leave.

“Our complementary breakfast scatter system has proven 98% effective,” explained Hotel Manager Charles Worthington III. “Most protesters simply cannot maintain their anger while being offered a fourth or fifth scone with clotted cream.”

However, the program has faced criticism after several incidents. “The automated tea-and-crumpets cannon was perhaps too aggressive,” admitted security expert Victoria Pembroke. “We had multiple cases of protesters being forcibly upgraded to luxury suites against their will.”

The hotels have announced a “No Vacancy for Violence” policy, though some protesters have inadvertently ended up booking weekend spa packages after becoming confused by the overwhelming hospitality.

The Metropolitan Police have reportedly requested training in advanced doily deployment and proper pinky-raising techniques for future crowd control situations.

AInspired by: London Hotel Protests Prompt Dispersal Order