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Following recent events at Utah University, educational institutions across America are implementing new security measures requiring controversial speakers to present from within bulletproof “Freedom Boxes” - essentially converting lecture halls into maximum-security facilities.

The reinforced glass enclosures come equipped with state-of-the-art ballistic protection, emergency oxygen supplies, and a small toilet in case debates run long. “We believe every speaker has the right to express their views from behind 3 inches of ballistic glass,” explained Dr. Sarah Shields, Campus Safety Director. “It’s the perfect marriage of physical and ideological safe spaces.”

Universities are now spending millions upgrading their facilities to prison-grade standards, complete with guard towers, razor wire, and emergency escape tunnels. “We’re taking ‘safe space’ to its logical conclusion,” said one University President, speaking from inside his own mobile protective cube. “Now speakers can deliver their bullet points without worrying about actual bullets.”

The new safety protocols have already resulted in an unexpected benefit: a 100% reduction in students throwing tomatoes at speakers, as the fruit must first pass through a metal detector.

AInspired by: Charlie Kirk Shot Dead at Utah University Event; Suspect Tyler Robinson Faces Aggravated Murder Charge