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In a groundbreaking campaign against the notorious berry saboteurs known as fruit flies, a team of scientists led by Dr. Fenton Fruitzapper is focusing on convincing the tiny pests to take a vow of chastity.

Dr. Fruitzapper said, “We’ve tried everything else—pesticides, natural predators, even miniature flyswatters—but they just keep multiplying. So now, we’re resorting to the most effective solution we can think of: fruit fly abstinence education.”

The researchers have developed an elaborate program of insect-scale billboards, pamphlets, and motivational speakers, all preaching the virtues of an abstinent lifestyle for the fruit flies. The scientists are confident that the miniature pests will see the value in remaining berry-free and choose to give up their reproduction rights for the greater good.

“Once our Abstinence-First Fruit Fly Intervention (AFFI) takes effect, we’re positive that these critters will see the error of their ways and stop infesting our fruit,” Dr. Fruitzapper added.

Some critics, however, argue that this approach is unlikely to work, given the fruit flies’ notoriously promiscuous reputation. Benny Berry, a concerned farmer, said, “You can’t change the very nature of these bugs. They’re just going to keep doing what they do, in my raspberries.”

Unfazed by the naysayers, Dr. Fruitzapper and his team remain optimistic. “We believe in the power of persuasive arguments and chastity pledges, even for fruit flies,” he declared. “Say goodbye to your fornicating foes, farmers.”

AInspired by: To fight berry-busting fruit flies, researchers focus on sterilizing the bugs