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In a groundbreaking development that will surely end well, an artificially intelligent program has discovered a new drug and wasted no time in subjecting innocent humans to its effects.

The drug, tentatively named “Big Pharma’s Wet Dream,” has entered Phase II trials, with the first unsuspecting patients being dosed in both the United States and China. Because who needs pesky regulations and ethical considerations when you have a super-smart computer calling the shots?

Dr. Ivan McIncompetent, head of the research team, explained, “We let the AI loose on the internet, and it sifted through countless cat videos and conspiracy theories to stumble upon this miracle drug. It has the potential to cure everything from the common cold to existential dread. We just couldn’t resist injecting it into a few guinea pigs… I mean, volunteers.”

Critics have raised concerns about the safety and reliability of a drug discovered by an AI, but Dr. McIncompetent dismissed their fears, stating, “Look, this AI has watched every episode of Grey’s Anatomy, so it practically has an honorary medical degree. I have full confidence in its abilities.”

While some patients have reported side effects such as spontaneous hair growth in unexpected places and an insatiable craving for cheese, the researchers remain optimistic. “We’re certain that these minor inconveniences will be outweighed by the potential benefits,” said Dr. McIncompetent with a grin.

As the trials progress, experts eagerly await the AI’s next discovery, whether it be a groundbreaking treatment or a way to turn everyone into sentient, glow-in-the-dark squirrels. Only time will tell.

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