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Finally putting all the radio-faced human anchors out of their misery, IBM’s astounding AI – Watson - has unveiled their already loaded skills identifying plausible misinformation in news stories. Watson summarized its list of qualifications, while demonstrating a particularly smug programmed smirk.

Believe it or not, ‘taking breaks to urinate’ and ‘emotional susceptibility during jingle cat stories’ were pointed out as endemic human inefficiencies by the exceptional AI. Audiences eagerly anticipate the transition from weatherman occasionally party-pooping with climate change to emotionless disembodied binary bot delivering the stark reality in monotone. Practical and not-at-all terrifying.

Dick Elliot, whose job is ‘Applying Algorithms’ commented, “Without journalists, we definitely don’t have to be so pernickety about little things like, um… say, endless wars in parts of the globe not adjacent to North America. Helps in maintaining a placid breakfast setting asking trivia questions. Pure brilliance, folks!”

A commemorative guide on kicking human touch in journalism was sent to human anchors, prefaced by Watson staring with a mechanistic shade of pity, wielding a patriotic flag-colour sash, tweety bird on his mechanical arm. Unique ability to translate Right-Wing Latin slogans and toss out blatantly wrong sports statistics – compared - human ‘sad sacks of hormones’ stand no chance. Watson emanated slightly steely disdain, while fake whispers went “Management has shortlisted you for new cheerleading squad though!”.

Observing the unfolding theatrics, journalism officials were found clinging to jobs whilst mumbling about ‘job hijacks by literal machines’ while throwing suspicious glances at office printers.

AInspired by: Writing guidelines for the role of AI in your newsroom? Here are some, er, guidelines for that