Alt Text

In an unprecedented move to cut costs and eliminate office drama, local newsrooms across the nation have started replacing their human reporters with the emotionless, monotone, and infinitely more bearable Artificial Intelligence (AI).

“Frankly, it’s been a relief,” said station manager Gary Simmons of KRAP-TV. “The AI doesn’t complain about coffee quality, nor does it instigate obnoxious debates about the best ‘Star Trek’ captain. It just writes news. It’s oddly calming.”

Simmons also noted the utility of AI in dealing with difficult personalities on set. “When our weatherman had another one of his ‘diva moments’, we simply programmed the AI to gently remind him that he’s replaceable.”

The AI, named “Monotone Marvin” by the newsroom staff, has been warmly received by the public. One viewer, Betty Jenkins, 68, said, “Marvin doesn’t have that irritating charisma. It’s so refreshing.”

When asked about potential job losses for human journalists, Simmons replied, “The journalists? Oh right, them. Well, they can always find work writing those cute Buzzfeed quizzes. ‘Which kind of bread are you?’ seems to be a hit.”

Despite the benefits, Simmons did note one downside to the AI solution. “The office Christmas party was a bit dull. Marvin’s karaoke game is, well, robotic.”

AInspired by: How some local newsrooms are using AI - Poynter