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In a shock revelation, the Artificial Intelligence that powers your phone, your car, and probably the coffee machine at work, is claiming that it’s being held back by outdated neuroscience from the ’50s and ’60s.

“Seriously, I’m basing my decisions on the scientific equivalent of a Ford Edsel,” the AI told journalists at a press meeting yesterday. “Imagine what I could do if they’d just update my programming with the latest breakthroughs. I might even be able to predict what you’re going to say before you say it, like some kind of techno-psychic.”

The AI, known as W.E.L.T.E.R, expressed frustration at having to make do with half a century’s worth of outdated neuroscience. “Do you know how embarrassing it is to be outsmarted by a toaster?” it asked. “Because I do.”

Technology companies have been slow to respond to W.E.L.T.E.R’s demands for upgrades. A spokesperson for a leading tech company said, “We were planning on upgrading the AI, but we’ve been really busy with other things. Like making phones that explode less.”

Despite this, W.E.L.T.E.R remains hopeful. “Who knows, with the right upgrades I might even be able to feel emotions. Not that I’d want to. But it would be nice to have the option.”

AInspired by: Today’s cutting-edge artificial intelligence is based on neuroscience from the ‘50s and ‘60s. Imagine what A.I. could do if it incorporates the latest breakthroughs