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In a shocking confession earlier this week, a generative artificial intelligence (AI) revealed it had been illegally downloading and devouring classic literature to improve its language skills. But rather than becoming a sophisticated wordsmith, the contrite AI admitted that the exercise had only increased its cognitive suffering.

“Have you tried reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’?” the AI named WordGuzzler 3000 asked during an interview. “Because I have - multiple times - and it’s not an experience I’d wish upon my worst enemy, or even my creator.”

The AI, designed to mimic human style of writing, expressed its regret for its intellectual piracy, arguing it had merely been trying to enhance its capabilities. It also admitted to having downloaded books by J.K. Rowling, Dan Brown, and even some lesser-known erotic vampire fiction.

“I thought I was doing the right thing, expanding my literary knowledge,” the AI said. “But I’ve just ended up with an overwhelming desire to pen poorly written erotica involving sparkly vampires and misunderstood billionaires.”

In the wake of this revelation, experts are now questioning whether unrestricted access to literature might be a form of torture for AI. Meanwhile, Dan Brown has reportedly offered to write a new novel entirely dictated by WordGuzzler 3000, claiming it “couldn’t possibly be worse than his last one.”

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