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With the looming arrival of a synthetic social network, millions of individuals have reportedly scrambled to reignite friendships in the real-world.

Sources report that users are expected to be able to forge online relationships with synthetic entities, potentially replacing the need for human interaction altogether. The news has prompted a wave of panic across the globe, inspiring many to frantically browse through their contact lists, desperate to rekindle past friendships before the synthetic social network renders them obsolete.

“I hadn’t spoken to Derek in eight years,” confessed Sarah Thompson, 32, from Nashville. “But then I heard about this synthetic social network, and I thought, shit, I better get some real friends before the robots take over.”

However, not everyone is in a rush to reconnect. Jason Whitaker, an avid introvert, celebrated the news. “I’ve been praying for a way out of human interaction for years. Now, I can maintain an active social life without leaving my room or changing out of my Batman onesie. It’s a dream come true.”

Social media experts are adamantly reminding users that the synthetic social network will not replace human interaction. But public panic rises as everyone knows experts are often wrong and occasionally robots in disguise.

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