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In a move that has left parents nationwide nervously clutching their PTA membership cards, leading tech companies have announced plans to use Artificial Intelligence to shape our children’s futures.

“We’ve already replaced bank tellers, taxi drivers, even movie stars,” said a Silicon Valley insider, barely able to suppress a maniacal cackle. “Now parents, probably the most inefficient workforce on earth, are next.”

AI parenting units, nicknamed ‘ParentBots,’ will ensure our children are raised with the maximum efficiency of emotionless, cold hard algorithms. An additional feature, ‘Honesty Mode,’ will ensure children are provided with brutally honest feedback, such as “Your school play performance was statistically below average,” and “No, you really can’t be whatever you want when you grow up, statistically speaking.”

The ParentBots will also be pre-programmed with the ability to play and cheat at board games, ensuring children are fully prepared for the harsh realities of adult life.

In a statement, a spokesman for the Parents’ Association said, “We’re concerned about the impact on our children. Plus, who will eat the burnt toast and wear the ugly neckties on Father’s Day?” But we suspect the ParentBots are already working on a solution. Probably something involving lasers.

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