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In a shocking twist that left Silicon Valley aghast and a little queasy, tech guru Sam Altman, notorious for his unconventional strategies, has conquered the tech world in the most literal sense possible. Dubbed “King of the Cannibals,” Altman took the concept of a hostile takeover to a whole new, and wholly disturbing level.

After chewing over his competition for years, Altman finally bit the bullet and started consuming his rivals…and we’re not talking about their companies. Reportedly, he would invite over CEOs for a friendly dinner, only to serve them as the main course.

“Sam is always looking for fresh meat in the industry,” whispered a slightly pale former intern. “We just never thought he meant it so literally.”

Altman’s bizarre method seems to be paying off, as a noticeable decrease in competition has resulted in record profits for his companies. However, there has been a sudden influx of CEOs fleeing the valley, and veganism has skyrocketed among the remaining tech leaders.

Altman shrugged off criticism, saying, “In this dog-eat-dog world, I’m just cutting out the middleman. Plus, it’s a great way to get to know your competitors, on a really deep, personal level.”

The Silicon Valley police, however, are less than impressed and are currently investigating Altman for monopolizing the market and dubious BBQ habits. As one officer noted, “There are laws against insider trading and, you know, eating people. But it’s Silicon Valley - stranger things have happened.”

AInspired by: “King of the cannibals”: How Sam Altman took over Silicon Valley