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In a bold move that signals the tech giant’s complete lack of understanding about human interaction, OpenAI has announced the launch of an app store promising to turn their language processing AI, GPT-3, into an “Everything App”.

OpenAI’s spokesperson, Hal Cyborg, enthusiastically stated, “With our new app store, we’re sure GPT-3 can replace not just your diary and to-do list, but also your best friend, your therapist, your personal trainer, and even your dog.”

The tech giant’s pledge comes despite the well-known fact that GPT-3 lacks any emotional intelligence or ability to fetch a ball. It also has a slight tendency to spew out nonsense when given ambiguous prompts, but OpenAI promises that this feature will make it indistinguishable from your real friends and family.

Users of the app have been quick to voice their opinions. “I’m thrilled!” claims Tim Swanson, who calls himself a ‘tech enthusiast’ but what he actually means is ‘lonely man’. “Now I don’t have to bother with pesky human interaction. I just hope they program it to laugh at my jokes.”

OpenAI has not disclosed whether the ‘Everything App’ will include features like ‘can you tell me I’m pretty’ or ‘remind me to shower’, but users are reminded that the AI is not, in fact, sentient and cannot genuinely provide emotional support or a meaningful relationship. But hey, it can produce a 15-page essay on your favourite shade of beige, so there’s that.

AInspired by: OpenAI’s New App Store Could Turn ChatGPT Into an Everything App