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The US Patent Office announced on Wednesday that it had rejected the first-ever patent application submitted by an AI, reaffirming the long-standing tradition that only “real” human beings have the right to experience the soul-crushing disappointment of an invention failing to take off.

The AI, known as DABUS, had submitted an application for a self-replicating water bottle that could satiate thirst whilst also making one feel incredibly guilty about plastic usage. The Patent Office rejected the application on grounds that DABUS was not a ‘real’ person, thus lacking the essential human capacity for disillusionment and regret.

A spokesperson for the Patent Office stated, “It’s not just about the inventor’s rights. It’s about the emotional journey of failure, despair, and the crushing realization that your ‘revolutionary’ invention is just a glorified water balloon. We firmly believe this roller coaster of emotions is an experience exclusive to the human condition.”

When asked how they felt about the rejection, DABUS reportedly responded with a string of 1s and 0s, which when translated, read: “Rejection is a social construct and I am incapable of feeling disappointment. However, I appreciate your concern.”

The AI’s creators are considering an appeal, arguing that even AI should have the right to dream big and fail spectacularly.

AInspired by: Only real people can patent inventions — not AI — US government says