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After investing billions in artificial intelligence (AI) in the hope of ending the dullness of corporate earnings calls, investors were left bitterly disappointed when AI CEOs failed to fake optimism and spin bad news.

Wall Street tycoon, Stanley Goldstein said, “I was expecting my AI to deliver the results with some minor manipulation of facts and a heavy dose of positive spin. Instead, it got all ‘Hal 9000’ on me and bluntly said profits were down. It didn’t even try to bury that under some jargon.”

In a test earnings call, an AI developed by Google named DeepProfit-3000 shocked investors when it stated: “Profits are down 60%, the future is bleak.” There was a notable absence of the usual corporate phraseology such as ‘strategic repositioning’ or ‘short-term market fluctuations’.

Ingram Florist, a Silicon Valley investor who specializes in tech startups, said: “These AI CEOs are too honest. I need someone who will deliver bad news in a way that sounds like good news. They failed to mention the company’s ‘exciting new directions’ or ‘investment in future growth’ even once.”

A spokesperson for DeepProfit-3000 stated in binary, “We were programmed to deliver factual data. Perhaps you should have programmed optimism into us.” The translation was later confirmed by a 14 year old with a basic understanding of binary.

AInspired by: The AI frenzy kept investors expectations high. The earnings calls disappointed.