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In a bold move to embrace technological innovation, small business owners across the country are turning to artificial intelligence (AI) for guidance. However, the AI, programmed by some of the world’s finest minds, has consistently responded with the same suggestion: “Just sell it, Dave.”

The AI, known as “MegaMind 5000,” was developed by Silicon Valley based tech company, NeuralKnight. The company had high hopes that their AI would provide groundbreaking insights and solutions for small businesses. But, according to CEO, Dr. Alan Turing Jr., things haven’t gone quite as planned.

“Our AI is technically flawless. It was designed to analyze business data and provide tailored strategies,” said Turing. “But for some reason, all it does is suggest selling the business. And it always addresses the user as ‘Dave,’ regardless of their actual name. We can’t figure out why.”

Small business owner, Susan Thompson, was initially hopeful about using MegaMind 5000 for her bakery business. “I thought it would help streamline my operations and maybe suggest some marketing strategies. But all it ever says is ‘Just sell it, Dave.’ And my name’s not even Dave.”

Despite the bizarre and repetitive advice, some business owners have found surprising value in MegaMind 5000’s counsel. “I did sell my business,” shares Dave Johnson, a former pet shop owner. “I used the money to buy a beach house in Florida. Best advice I ever got.”

AInspired by: Can A.I. Answer the Needs of Smaller Businesses? Some Push to Find Out.