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Silicon Valley tech moguls are in turmoil following the revelation that the way we measure progress in artificial intelligence is about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Dr. Edwin Pencilneck, head of the Institute for Totally Serious AI Studies, has declared: “Turns out, AI being able to beat the world champion at Go doesn’t really improve my life. I’d much prefer if it could make a cup of tea without short-circuiting and setting the kitchen on fire.”

Meanwhile, regular human Dave from Dudley said: “I think they’re going about it all wrong. I’ve yet to see an AI that can understand the importance of dunking a rich tea biscuit without it crumbling into a sad mushy mess.”

Tech companies have been quick to defend their metrics, citing innovations like AI-generated cat photos and chatbots that can almost convincingly pretend to have emotions.

“We’re on the brink of creating an AI that can write novels, compose symphonies, and maybe, just maybe, figure out how to fold a fitted sheet,” claimed a tech spokesperson.

Until then, the quest for an AI that can make tea remains the pinnacle of human aspiration.

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