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In a bold and entirely necessary step forward for home security, startup RaccoonAI has unveiled a cutting-edge system to forever rid us of the masked bandits that are terrorising homes – by “politely encouraging” them to leave.

Using state-of-the-art artificial intelligence, the system employs a complex algorithm that analyses raccoon behaviour patterns before deploying a series of increasingly aggressive deterrents, starting with a polite recorded message saying, “Could you kindly sod off?” and escalating to playing Nickelback at high volume.

Founder Dave “I Love Raccoons” Jenkins, who definitely hasn’t been traumatized by furry home invaders, stated: “Our AI understands raccoons in ways that humans simply cannot. We’ve harnessed the power of technology to turn nocturnal trash pandas into well-mannered woodland creatures.”

Local resident Sarah, who initially signed up for a free trial, said: “It’s like having a digital bouncer for your bin. It started with some gentle jazz, but by 3 a.m. it had evolved into a full-blown Metallica concert. The raccoons left, but so did my neighbours.”

The service may be revolutionary, but Jenkins admits that future updates might include a ‘raccoon karaoke’ mode for more melodic solutions.

AInspired by: How this startup used AI to keep raccoons from invading my house