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British CEOs are experiencing an unprecedented mental health crisis after being forced to consider paying their workers enough money to actually live on.

The epidemic of executive emotional distress has led to the establishment of special support groups where business leaders can sob into their silk handkerchiefs while comparing their slightly reduced yacht budgets.

“It’s heartbreaking,” says Dr. Harold Moneypenny, Professor of Executive Tears at Cambridge University. “We’re seeing grown billionaires throwing themselves on the floor of their corner offices, screaming ‘But what about my seventh holiday home?’ It’s like watching toddlers being told they can’t have more sweets.”

Sir Richard Pennisworth III, CEO of Exploitative Industries Ltd, spoke to us while being consoled by his personal comfort butler: “They expect us to pay them enough to both eat AND heat their homes? In this economy? What’s next - dental care? It’s capital punishment!”

The Bank of England has responded by establishing a special hotline for distressed executives, though early reports suggest most callers are just crying all the way to the bank.

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