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In a positively tyrannical move, X has introduced a mandatory “karma banking” system requiring users to accumulate positivity credits before being allowed to post negative content.

The new algorithm demands three “joy deposits” - consisting of compliments, motivational quotes, or cat videos - for every withdrawal of criticism or complaint. Users who fail to maintain adequate positivity balances will have their negative posts automatically converted into affirmations.

“This is a natural evolution of social media moderation,” explains Dr. Joy Mandator, X’s Chief Happiness Officer. “The beatings will continue until morale improves, but in a totally wholesome way.”

Professional complainer Karen Fury attempted to post about her delayed flight but was blocked due to insufficient positivity credits. “I had to spend three hours praising random strangers’ selfies before I could tell the airline they lost my luggage,” she fumed, before her comment was automatically transformed into “I appreciate this growth opportunity!”

X’s spokesperson confirmed that emergency negativity overdrafts will be available for verified users, but will accrue compound positivity interest at a rate of five rainbow emoji per hour.

AInspired by: X Algorithm Update: Positivity vs. Free Speech?