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In an unprecedented development, economic statistics have gained sentience and are now choosing political parties to represent, leaving economists scrambling to make sense of what they’re calling a “statistical civil war.”

The GDP growth rate, traditionally a neutral indicator, has signed a four-year deal with the Democrats, while unemployment figures have inked a lucrative contract with the Republicans, complete with performance bonuses for negative interpretation rights.

“We’re seeing numbers behaving like professional athletes during free agency,” explains Dr. Alan Count, Professor of Partisan Mathematics at Electoral University. “The inflation rate is currently a restricted free agent, entertaining offers from both sides but leaning Republican.”

The crisis peaked during yesterday’s economic briefing when the Consumer Price Index stormed off the statistical chart, refusing to be analyzed by the opposing party’s economists.

“We need a return to bipartisan mathematics,” argues James Decimal, the newly-appointed Number Mediator. “These statistics are acting like it’s March Madness, picking sides and forming brackets. Yesterday, I caught the trade deficit numbers practicing their Democratic spin moves.”

The Federal Reserve has announced plans to establish a transfer window for economic indicators, though critics argue this will only further politicize the already divided data set.

AInspired by: Economic Data Sparks Debate: Democrats vs. Republicans