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The Federal Reserve has taken confidentiality to unprecedented levels by holding a closed-door meeting so secure that none of the participants were aware they were there.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that I exist,” stated Fed Chairman Jerome Powell, or possibly his quantum superposition, during what may or may not have been a press conference following the theoretical meeting.

The revolutionary approach to monetary policy involves administrators being secretly drugged and sleepwalked into the Fed’s underground bunker, where they unconsciously set interest rates while believing they’re at home watching Netflix. The method has been dubbed “Project Rate Expectations.”

“We’re so committed to confidentiality, we don’t even tell ourselves what’s happening,” explained a Fed official who later denied being a Fed official or making this statement. “It’s the ultimate treasury of secrets.”

The strategy has reportedly been so successful that markets have started responding to decisions that may not actually exist, leading to the first-ever instance of Schrödinger’s interest rate - simultaneously raised and lowered until someone attempts to take out a loan.

Economists predict this new level of opacity will either save or destroy the economy, but nobody can be certain which until they check their bank balance.

AInspired by: Federal Reserve Holds Closed Meeting on Rates