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In a desperate bid to prevent China’s proposed ban on American films, Hollywood executives have begun taking extreme measures, including living exclusively on dim sum and legally changing their names to include “auspicious Chinese characters.”

Studio heads across Los Angeles are reportedly “Beijing for mercy,” with several major production companies retroactively modifying classic films to appeal to Chinese censors. “We’re even digitally adding chopsticks to old westerns,” admitted Warner Bros executive Li (formerly Larry) Thompson, who now conducts all meetings while balancing on a bamboo pole.

The situation has become so dire that talent agencies are requiring all new actors to submit proof of proficiency in tai chi along with their headshots. “E.T. now phones Beijing instead of home,” revealed a Paramount editor who requested anonymity but insisted on wearing a traditional Chinese opera mask during the interview.

The industry’s latest initiative involves replacing the iconic Hollywood sign with “好莱坞” and requiring all Academy Award acceptance speeches to be delivered in Mandarin. “We’ve been completely bamboo-zled by our own desperation,” sighed Thompson while attempting to pay his parking ticket with yuan.

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