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In a desperate attempt to salvage turbulent relations with China, Boeing has agreed to incorporate mandatory Chinese elements into all future aircraft designs, starting with replacing flight recorders with fortune-telling black boxes.

The move comes as part of China’s increasingly demanding “Made in China 2025” aviation requirements, which specify that all aircraft must contain at least 60% authentic Chinese components.

“We’re simply winging it at this point,” admitted Boeing’s chief cultural integration officer. “We’ve already replaced all cup holders with tea cup holders, and the oxygen masks now dispense genuine Chinese air imported directly from Beijing.”

Li Wei, Chinese Aviation Minister, praised the changes but demanded more: “The emergency slides must be made of authentic silk, and all in-flight announcements must be delivered in Mandarin first, English second, and interpretive dance third.”

Boeing engineers are reportedly working on replacing the traditional “ping” of the seatbelt sign with the sound of a gong, while the emergency exit lights will now be shaped like lucky red envelopes.

“At this rate,” noted one aviation analyst, “it’s plane to see that Boeing’s next model will just be a flying dim sum restaurant with wings.”

AInspired by: China Halts Boeing Orders Amidst Trade Tensions