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In his latest effort to address declining birth rates, Elon Musk has announced a mandatory firmware update for all Tesla vehicles, introducing a controversial new “Procreation Mode” feature.

The update transforms any Tesla into a mobile matchmaking service, automatically rerouting drivers to intersect with other Tesla owners deemed demographically compatible for reproduction. The car’s internal atmosphere adjusts to supposedly optimal breeding conditions, while Barry White plays through the premium sound system.

“Our advanced algorithms can detect fertility windows with 99.9% accuracy,” explained Dr. Sarah Conception, Tesla’s newly appointed Chief Reproduction Officer. “The vehicle simply won’t unlock until passengers have engaged in population-positive activities.”

Critics argue the feature goes too far, particularly the “Reproductive Autopilot” function that automatically drives compatible users to the nearest Motel 6. “This is a breeding ground for controversy,” said Bob Fertility, spokesperson for Parents Against Automated Procreation. “We didn’t sign up for our cars to become mobile dating services.”

Despite mounting criticism, Musk defended the update on Twitter: “v12.1 also includes cup holders that double as baby bottles. You’re welcome, humanity.”

AInspired by: Elon Musk Sounds Alarm on Birth Rate Decline