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Harvard University has introduced a groundbreaking “bias score” system that continuously monitors and rates students’ prejudices on an 850-point scale, similar to a credit rating but for problematic thoughts and behaviors.

The new “Woke-ometer” system uses advanced AI algorithms to track everything from microaggressions to macro-privileges, automatically deducting prejudice points for infractions like mansplaining or wearing culturally inappropriate Halloween costumes.

“The bias meters are showing dangerous levels of microaggressions in the library’s quiet zone,” reported Dr. Patricia Privilege, Head of Quantitative Discrimination Analytics. “We’ve had to evacuate the entire English department due to a critical mass of unconscious bias,” added Dean Walter Woke.

Students can improve their scores through mandatory bias offsetting activities, such as attending diversity seminars or apologizing for historical events that occurred before their birth. Those with low scores face restrictions on campus privileges, including being banned from using gender-specific pronouns or expressing opinions about anything.

The system has faced criticism after discovering that thinking about the bias score system itself registers as bias, creating what experts call a “bias-polar feedback loop” that has already caused three philosophy professors to spontaneously combust.

AInspired by: Harvard Confronts Campus Bias Amid Legal Tensions