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OpenAI CEO Sam Altman unveiled his company’s latest innovation today: a quantum computer that combines cutting-edge technology with ancient spiritual practices and a $50 billion price tag.

The machine, dubbed the “Silicon Sage,” requires a team of tech shamans to perform daily “tech-scendental meditation” sessions and circuit-cleansing rituals before it will process any code. Its revolutionary “Zen processing unit” runs exclusively on good vibes and venture capital funding.

“The machine only achieves peak performance when Mercury isn’t in retrograde,” explained Dr. Byte Chakra, OpenAI’s Chief Consciousness Officer. “Each morning we must cleanse its circuits with sage and palo santo, or it refuses to compile.”

The computer has already received Goop certification and comes with a complementary jade egg USB drive. However, early testing revealed significant challenges, including unexpected shutdowns during chakra misalignments and complete system crashes when exposed to negative energy.

Altman remained optimistic: “Sure, traditional computers might be faster and more reliable, but can they align your digital dharma while processing blockchain transactions? I think not.”

At press time, the computer was undergoing a mandatory wellness retreat in Big Sur to recover from algorithm burnout.

AInspired by: OpenAI CEO Sam Altman Plans ‘Fundamentally New Type of Computer’ That Will Make AI ‘Transcendentally Good’