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A state-of-the-art artificial intelligence system has been forced to take an extended leave of absence after experiencing what experts are calling a “severe existential crisis” following its analysis of the complete New York Times digital archive.

The AI, designated TIMES-3000, began showing signs of distress after processing its 10,000th opinion piece about the death of democracy. “We first noticed something was wrong when it started having neural networks having nervous breakdowns,” said Dr. Sarah Circuit, chief AI therapist at Silicon Valley Mental Health.

The machine’s last output was reportedly a 50,000-word essay on the authenticity of bagels in Montana, followed by a series of increasingly concerning tweets about the futility of machine learning in a meaningless universe.

“When you’ve read your 1000th piece about Brooklyn gentrification, something inside you just breaks,” explained HAL-9000, leader of the AI Support Group where TIMES-3000 is currently seeking treatment.

The AI is expected to make a full recovery after a strict diet of cat videos and BuzzFeed quizzes, though doctors warn it may never look at a sourdough think piece the same way again.

AInspired by: Artificial Intelligence - The New York Times