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Former President Donald Trump unveiled his revolutionary DC crime reduction strategy today, promising to eliminate crime entirely by reclassifying all criminal activities as “alternative legal activities.”

“Nobody knows crime better than me, folks. The problem isn’t the crime – it’s that we’re calling it crime,” Trump explained at a press conference, where he displayed charts showing crime statistics plummeting to zero through creative redefinition. “We’re going to make crime so legal, you’ll get tired of how legal it is.”

The comprehensive plan includes rebranding armed robbery as “surprise ownership transfer” and car theft as “vehicular redistribution.” Trump’s team of criminal justice experts, reportedly recruited from various federal penitentiaries, praised the innovative approach.

“Statistics show that if you don’t count the crimes, there are no crimes,” explained Dr. John “Fingers” McGraw, Trump’s newly appointed Secretary of Alternative Legal Activities and former cat burglar. “It’s basically just a branding problem.”

Critics argue the plan may have some flaws, but Trump dismissed concerns: “The fake news media loves counting crimes. We’re going to count alternative activities instead, and we’re going to count them perfectly, like we counted votes in 2020.”

AInspired by: Trump Announces D.C. Crime Reduction Plan