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A Canary Wharf resident has insisted that last night’s home invasion was actually part of his premium lifestyle package, expressing disappointment only in the intruder’s “casual attire.”

Richard Moneybags III, a 45-year-old investment banker, discovered someone rummaging through his possessions at 3am but assumed it was part of his building’s exclusive services. “I naturally assumed he was the midnight caviar butler,” explained Moneybags. “Though his lack of proper white gloves should have been the first red flag.”

The incident has prompted Canary Wharf’s resident association to issue new guidelines for distinguishing between crime and luxury services. “We’ve had to explain that if someone is stuffing your Rolex collection into a duffel bag, it’s probably not a complementary watch rotation service,” said etiquette consultant Victoria Poshington.

Building management has responded by introducing a “breaking and entering-taining” certification program for all security staff. “We need to help our residents understand that not every stranger in their home at 3am is a service professional,” explained security chief James Worthington-Holmes.

Moneybags still gave the burglar five stars on the resident app, noting “excellent initiative in wealth redistribution strategies.”

AInspired by: Canary Wharf Home Invasion: No Crime Committed?